Welcome to my Life

I went to the store a few nights ago just to pick up a few things. As I was checking out, I noticed there was new issues of Cosmo and Glamour on the shelves. 

I have been reading both since high school and never missed an issue.  Do you realize how much money I have spent over the course of 20 something years? 

I automatically reached for them, out of habit and put them on the counter along with the other items I was going to purchase.  I stood there looking at the cover with all the story headlines on it.  Headlines like “The New Sex position that works every time. Plus 15 more ways to heat things up”  “Lose 5 lbs in just 7 days” “3 questions that get a man to open up”. 

Who am I kidding?  I’m 40 years old.  If I don’t know several sex positions that turn him on, how to lose weight, or how to have a conversation with my man, I’m not going to get any life altering advice from these magazines. 

I put them back on the rack and went home.

I really am beyond those magazines.  They are written for young women, 20’s or 30’s.  There is nothing in those magazines for me any more.  But then the question becomes, what is out there for my age group?  There is Family Circle that my mother used to read, and I would read the ones left in the bathroom.  What? Even women need a few moments peace and quiet, and what better place to find it than the bathroom. 

Is there a magazine out there for a single mom trying to put a roof over her family’s head, braces on her child’s teeth, food on the table, clothes on their backs, and hold down a full time job outside the home, hold it all together and make it all work? 

Is there a place to get ideas about what to make for dinner out of macaroni peanut butter and Captain Morgan?  Is there a place to get advice on how to cope when you’re running late and both daughters come to you whining “I have nothing to wear”.   Where do I go to read about how other parents deal with blending families. 

For those reasons and so many more, I signed up at Blogher today. It is a community of women bloggers.   An online community of women.  Something I have been unable to find in real life.

So when I want to know how to deal with a hormonal 12 year old girl and the 9 year old sister who is one her nerves, I’ll go to Blogher.   When I want to know which sex position my man craves, I’ll ask him.  

I hate the fact I have very little to blog about.  I have a family reunion coming up but I can’t really blog about that because someone stalks my blog to keep tabs on someone else in my life.  Cryptic? Yes.  They know who they are.

Summer is here.  That means vacations.  Since Batman and I both started the jobs we have now, last year, we are not eligible for vacation until end of July.  Of course the kids start school the middle of August so our options are limited.  Add to that the fact that his mom was going to give us money for our vacay (she’s giving his brother the same) and then the washer broke, the dryer broke, the grill broke, the septic tank sprung a leak and it looks like we’ll be staying home doing laundry and BBQing.  Oh and I forgot to mention, the motor on the boat also kicked the bucket, so we haven’t even made it to the lake yet this year.

It has hit 100+ the past 2 days, and it’s only June.  If this is any indication of what’s ahead, summer is going to be damn near unbearable.  When you reach 40, 100 degrees is way much hotter than it was when I was 18.

I have been doing some new things to the blog. (and once I start it’s hard for me to stop.)  Some behind the scenes, some you all can use (and I write that as if I actually have more than one reader).  The comments after each blog post has changed, and there are buttons on the side there that will link you to other places you can find me on the web.

I really do miss being a visible participant on the web.  I also know that in order to rekindle web friendships and meet new people I have to be on the web more than I am.  It takes a lot of time.  Hard to do when you have to be sneaky about it at work, and no Internet at home.  But I’m going to try.  No matter what I say, I really do crave comments just so I know I’m not writing this to hear myself type.

Hilly has opened her Confession Booth today. Several bloggers, myself included, love love love the Confession Booth.

It got me thinking.  They say confession is good for the soul.  I’m not going to open my own confession booth (who would come?) but I thought I’d confess a few of my own secrets here.

I readily admit that I don’t have many long term close friends.  People think that is a strange thing, but I live my life to almost guarantee I don’t have friends.  It doesn’t bother me.  The few I do have a truly treasure but they (and I) don’t require every day contact.  A phone call or an email is good enough.

I would love a ring from Batman.  Just the ring.  I’m not in any hurry to get married and would be perfectly ok with just the ring for years.  It would be enough for me.  I’m sure he thinks I want the ring and the wedding and the marriage and that is why he won’t buy me one yet.

There are days I feel fat and frumpy and at 5? 7? and 125 lbs, I’m far like overweight people can because I will just piss people off.

I have a 16 year old son who lives with his dad.  I don’t see him nearly as often as I should or as often as I would like.  It makes my heart sad that that is true.  But I also understand at 16 friends are his life.  He would be miserable and bored here, so I don’t push the issue.  Still my heart misses him. More than he knows.

I am really snarky in my head and behind people’s back, but never to their face. Unless of course I know you well enough that I’m certain I can get away with it.  I am still way too concerned with offending people out of fear they won’t like me.

When Slug and I would argue I could argue circles around him and half way through an argument I would switch sides on him.  He of course would then have to switch sides to continue the argument then I could just agree with him.

My youngest daughter was a surprise. One I didn’t appreciate at the time.  She has turned out to be the joy of my life. 

At one time I dreamed of becoming a professional photographer even if only on the side.  I have come to accept that I will probably never be good enough to get paid for my photos.  Although I’m sad to let go of the dream, I’m also relieved to be free from some of the pressure. 

There are just a few of my confessions.   What do you want to get off your chest?  Confess it here, or go to Hilly’s. 

The first Crayon post, set off a shit storm of personal emails between myself and a former friend.  Once upon a time we were inseperable and best friends.  Time and distance changed that.  Her life went one way, mine another.  I can not, now should I, apologize for who I am.  I can not, will not apologize for my beliefs, nor will I back down from them.

The emails were hurtful, and hit below the belt.  Hard.  I will admit that I’m pretty sure my emails were more hurtful to her, than her’s were to me.  Reason for that belief? She felt the need to defend and protest her choices.  She felt the need to attack me personally.

None of that matters really.  This isn’t about her emails to me.  This is about me.  In the not so distance past she made a decision I could not support nor could I approve of.  Never mind her reasons, (Which legitimized it all in her head) I just couldn’t find any way to make it right. To me.  That’s the kicker.  *I* didn’t approve.  But who cares what I think?  (God I need to get on point here).

She made a decision.  She felt she needed to act on that decision.  I personally think her choice of actions were purly selfish and disrespectful for a whole lot of people with the potential to cause tremendous hurt and betrayal to players who were not part of the game when it bagan.

At the time, I kept my mouth shut, other than to tell her, it’s your life, it’s his life, do what you want.  You know, the osterich head in the sand approach.  Teflon defense.  At the time, I kept my opinion to myself because A) it would have caused an unecessay fight and B) it wouldn’t have changed her mind.  I didn’t approve, but I didn’t verbally disagree either.

In the course of the emails, she said that I wasn’t an authentic person, and truly not living an authentic life.  To a point she is right.  I shut up more often than I speak up.  But this time I did speak up.  Loudly.  I told her exactly what I thought.  I tried to not attack her as a person, but to ‘attack’ her choice and her actions.  For once, I stood up and had my peace, spoke my mind.

It still didn’t matter.  I didn’t unring the bell.  It didn’t change her mind.  She still believes what she did and why had a higher purpose that I’m just not enlightened enough to understand.  Her actions were ‘healing’ to her, regardless of how destructive and hurtful they could have been (and might very well have been, I don’t know) to other people indirectly involved.

My post about the Parades, the special months, the day of recognition was not limited to the gay and lesbian nation.  It could very well have been about African Americans (Lord, I’ve pissed off one group of people, why not another…) or even religious affiliations.  It was a generic analogy about any group of people who expect preferential attention because they are different while crying for equality.

I will concede I may  not have worded it well. I will admit that I may not have had the greatest command of my words in order to voice an opinion. But the horors of horors, I voiced an opinion and got lambasted for it.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  The opinons are not wrong for that person, but shouldn’t we be able to disagree without personally attacking each other and telling each other “YOU ARE WRONG!” because you know what?  They think the same thing about you.

I could let what she said about me change me, put me back under the rock I have hidden under all these years avoiding controversy and running scared when someone disagrees with my point of view or when I disagree with theirs.    But I’m not going to give her that power.  I’m going to be true to me.  I’m going to voice opinions and learn to stand here and read comments that disagree with me and learn to have a poliet educated debate about whatever issues I write about.  I’m going to learn to stand outside my comfort zone.  And stand on what I believe in.